POEM: BOTTOMED OUT

I've fallen from upon high
Looking up as I descended
Smacking face first
As I hit the bottom

Bottomed out
With no one around
People watched
As my world burned

Still 4 years later
I'm still learning to stand again
It was all taken away from me
I complicated everything

Muscles hurt
Bones broken from the fall
Still healing
Will never fully recover

Bottomed out
No strength to look up
Can barely stand
Slowly I try to rise

POEM: PASSION

My mind grows tired
My body grows old
I need some excitement
I need a new passion

I bore easily
I'm losing interest in my favorite things
Am I becoming an empty shell?
Just going thru the motions?

I just exist
No purpose
Something to drive me
I feel numb

The fire slowly becoming an ember
My humor fading away
I laugh because it's expected
I feel empty inside

Need something, someone
To help re-ignite my soul
Bring laughter where there is none
Give me a passion

POEM: I PROMISE NOTHING

Don't follow me down
I promise nothing
The path is dark
I can't protect you

I've been down here before
I know the way
But you're on your own
I suggest you go

The shadows will swallow you
The cold will rip your flesh
I'm use to it
I rather enjoy it

This path is not for you
Stop now, before it's to late
I promise you nothing
Except pain and heartache

POEM: RECOVERY

I look around my soul

I examine the damage that was done

I can see its beginning to heal

But scars remain

I don't kid myself

I still feel the pain

It comes from time to time

Reminds me to keep guard

I will not play the fool

Keep my emotions closed

Open up when I feel

Feel it's the right time

My soul still bruised

My ego will recover

I will be whole again

But I will not give freely

This time it must be earned

I must have proof

Evidence that there is love

Before I bare my soul

POEM: THIS ISN'T...

This isn't about a bad family
This isn't about dysfunctional
It's about a boy, angry deep inside
Wanting vengeance, wanting payback

This isn't about abuse
This isn't about being unloved
It's about the effects they have
When they are put to use

This isn't about feeling lost
This isn't about feeling alone
It's about covering up the scars
And holding back the tears

This isn't about a lost childhood
This isn't about growing up fast
It's about holding back the pain
And hiding the need

This isn't about you
This isn't about you caring
It's about me dealing with it
Trying to make sense of it all

This isn't your problem, it's mine

POEM: LOST DEFINITION

I have friends and family

I know they all care

They try to give me reasons

Reasons to live
 

But I lost something

Something that defined me

By my own hands

By my own actions 

I am nothing without it 

No purpose, no focus 

It coursed thru my veins

My center of my very being 

And now without it I am lost

I am nothing now

A former shadow of what I once was

I am lost, this is the only way out 

Release myself back to wence I came

I have no definition

What's the point of going on 

What's the point of being alive

POEM: BULLET WITH MY NAME

Hiding in the shadows

In the corner he stands

A flash of metal hits the light

The gleam of the gun in hand 

I know it rests in the chamber

A bullet with my name

I see myself holding it

Myself to blame 

I haven't felt pain like this

Pain that cuts straight to my soul

How did I let this happen?

Where did I lose control? 

Just want it to stop

The tears in my eyes

Some nights I lay there

Other nights I just cry

Tears streaming down my face

Gun pressed against my head

One pull of the trigger stops it

One shot and I'll be dead

POEM: SLIDE

I'm tired, need the pain to stop

I have successfully ruined my life

Put things in order

So I can leave this place 

Selfish, yes

But isn't it selfish

For me to keep feeling this pain

To feel only the pain 

I vision it in my mind

Over and over I replay it

The pain stopping no more hurt

Just sleep eternal 

I blame no one but myself

I just can't get the pieces to fit

Too exhausted to rebuild

I hurt so much 

No comfort for me

Alone I stand

And I can't stand anymore

I'm ready to slide

POEM: COME UNDONE

When you cry inside

When you feel lonely

When you need the embrace

When you come undone, I won't be there

Thoughts will cross your mind

You'll feel the need

Falling apart

You'll come undone 

The walls will close on you

The bars in front of your eyes

No key in sight

Then you'll come undone 

No comfort from me

Nowhere to run

Longing for the safety

You'll come undone

POEM: HATE

You ripped my heart out

Something you said you wouldn't do

I see now that it was a lie

You have no strength 

You can stay in the prison

That you have created for yourself

Feel the loneliness surround you

You have turned me cold 

My heart has frosted over

I can't love you

This time the hurt was painful

There's nothing you can say 

I have to move on

I knew in the back of my mind

You would never leave

A false sense of hope, your false dream 

You said you loved me

But the those words were hollow

You loved the idea but never me

I hope you enjoy your prison 

Love has turned to hate

My heart has turned to ice

I don't think I could trust you

Can't be open with you now 

You have cut my soul deep

It still bleeds loneliness

But like all the others

I'll survive, becoming colder 

May you be happy

Happy in the hell of your making

I can no longer feel for you

That emotion must die

POEM: VENOM

With our first kiss

Your venom entered my veins

The rush was wonderful

My emotions on a high

Cosmic explosions in my mind

Like the galaxy giving birth to stars

My heart melted, the walls came down

Little did I know the price I would pay for bliss 

As your venom ran its course

I felt the pain, the burn from you

You knew I was addicted

But you pushed me away 

Ripped my emotions apart

The venom deep within me

Feasted on my psyche

Threw me to the claws of despair 

You enjoyed every moment

Watching me fall apart from the inside

Refusing to stop the pain

I finally broke free from you 

Even after this time

I still feel the burn of your venom

Burn flowing in my veins

Flowing thru my heart

POEM: UNRAVELLED

3 years I have watched

My life unravel into chaos

Everywhere I turn, over my shoulder

Is nothing but more darkness headed my way 

I cant handle much more

My mind being flooded

With blow after blow

Nothing seems to go my way anymore 

Staying positive is just as hard

As trying to stay alive

Want to pull the trigger on it all

The easy way out 

Lost everything, have no one

Caught in a hurricane of karma

I guess payback is truly a bitch

But when will the tab be covered? 

My life unravelled and now slowly is my mind

Losing my hope and my grip

Just want to die some days

I'm already dead inside

POEM: ICARUS WINGS

I once soared high into the clouds
Felt nothing could bring me down
Falsely secure within myself
I thought I knew no bounds

Over confidence and arrogance
Blinded me to what I couldn't see
Conceitedness and the thought I was untouchable
Finally brought me to my knees

I flew high, touching the sky
On my Icarus Wings
Felt like I could never come down
But the wax melted and couldn't hold the strings

My quick descent
Faster than my meteoric rise
Amazing how friends scatter
When they see you crash before their eyes

Everyone is your friend
When your rising to the top
But funny how they forget you
When your ascent stops
 
I should have known better
Wax and wood would never hold
My Icarus Wings failed me
I failed myself, the crash was fore told

But now I hopefully
I have learned
Watch what your doing
Or you just might get burned

POEM: SCARS & STITCHES

In love I fell, I fell hard
Thru the ringer you took me
Ripped my soul, tore out my heart
I have the scars and stitches to prove it

But like a fool I stayed thru the pain
Hoping you'd see, hoping you'd realize
All the while the cuts were adding up
More scars to add to my collection

With every cut, another stitch I would apply
Feeling like a rag doll, barely held together
Gave my all, everything within me
I received scars and stitches

Hole thru my soul, shattered emotions
Heart shredded by you
The healing still hasn't started
The scars deep, stitches barely hold

Never again, thanks to you
I closed myself off
Soul, mind and heart protected
No more scars and stitches

POEM: MINISTER OF PAIN

Many times I've felt tears
All my life caught in the rain
Each caused by someone different
I'm the Minister of Pain

Broken home, broken heart
Emotionally scarred to the soul
No love, no touch
Minister of Pain is all I know

Betrayed, bruised and hurt
Heart and feelings ripped from me
Soul torn, psyche shattered
Minister of Pain my destiny

Hard to trust, need to love
But only hurt comes from this
Can barely stand it
Minister of Pain feels no bliss

Tears shed, darkness felt
I've felt it time and again
Save your tears and your pity
For the Minister of Pain

POEM: ILLUSIONARY LOVE

I have come to the conclusion
That your promises were illusions
False hope designed to satisfy
Designed to keep me pacified

I was blinded by your cloud
I believed what u threw about
I was caught in your false construct
Escaping it, I had no luck

Your promises were hallow
As your intentions were shallow
Never truthful, looked me in the eyes
Told me those words, now just lies

Gave me enough of a noose
Strung me along, not cutting me loose
The dreams we discussed, false thoughts
For your illusionary love, I paid the cost

POEM: DEAD INSIDE

As I sit here and wonder
I can feel my soul slipping into slumber
The fire slowly dying to an ember
Desire gone, can't remember

The shine in my eyes
Fought to bring back, Lord I've tried
But they have turned to a cold stare
Sometimes can't feel, just unaware

Emotions turn me asunder
Bad memories pulling me under
Pain my soul can't comprehend
But it's always there, can't pretend

I gave everything, threw open the gates
I gave love, but now there's nothing but hate
An intense love, you couldn't handle the flame
The pain I still feel, you're to blame

My soul still burns from the pain
My soul cries like the rain
Every memory of you cuts like a knife
Everything you said, all were lies